Overprotective husband
by XxStephXx
Summary: There is nothing James Potter won't do to protect his wife.
1. Chapter 1

**Overprotective Husband**

"James what you doing out here?" said Lily stepping out onto the patio.

James had gotten back from a month-long Order mission a few hours ago. Lily couldn't help but notice he had been distant with her, they had only been married a year and spent almost half of it apart so they made the most of time they had together. James had suddenly disappeared after dinner, Lily found him outside in the garden in the pitch black, just staring off into space.

"I just wanted some time alone to think," said James harshly.

"Is everything alright?" she asked, a little hurt. She reached out and touched his arm, wondering if something bad had happened on his mission.

"Everything's fine, just leave me alone Lily," he said gruffly.

"Did something happen?"

"I said leave me alone!" James shouted.

Lily knew she wouldn't get anything out of him, when James shut down it was pointless trying to talk to him. He had never shouted at her for nothing before. She calmly walked back inside, and sat down at the kitchen table. She couldn't help but let a few tears escape her eyes. She had missed James so much for the past month, all she wanted to do was talk to him, to fall asleep in his arms and tell him that she loved him. She hated when he wouldn't speak to her, it wasn't often but it was horrible when he was in a mood.

* * *

It was almost 3am when James eventually went to bed that night, Lily was still awake waiting for him. He hadn't said a word to her all night, he just sat brooding in the garden.

"I missed you," Lily said.

James just grunted and rolled over so that he had his back to her.

"James please…just tell me what's wrong."

"Can you just shut up?"

"What?" whispered Lily. James had never spoken to her like that, she was getting really worried about him.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Just…I'm sleeping on the couch."

"James…" she called after him. He just slammed the door behind him.

* * *

The next evening Lily got home determined to talk to James and find out what was wrong with him. She noticed that the only light in the house that was on was there bedroom light. Maybe James has gotten tired and took a nap she thought to herself. But deep in the pit of her stomach Lily knew something wasn't right. Her fears were confirmed when she opened the bedroom door and saw a large bag on the floor and James placing an envelope with her name on it on her pillow.

"James what are you doing?" she said calmly.

"Lily, you're home early," said James startled to see her. He couldn't look her in the eye, in fact he couldn't look at her at all.

"Are you leaving me?" she asked shocked by how calm she sounded.

"It's not how you think…" said James. "It's for the best."

"So you are leaving me?" said Lily her voice not giving away any emotions. "Did you meet someone else on your mission?"

"No!" said James shocked she would even think that he would leave her for someone else.

"Then what?"

"I just have to…it's not you love," he said feeling his heart break with every word he was saying.

"Don't call me love!" she hissed. "If you're leaving, just go!"

"Don't hate me."

"Don't hate you, are you kidding me?" shouted Lily. "You were going to fuck off before I even got home! I love you and I have done nothing but miss you while you were gone! Now you're walking out on me, we've not even been married a year! So just piss off!"

"It's for the best," said James hating himself with every fiber of being, he could see the hurt in her eyes and he was the cause. But he had to do it, he knew that now he couldn't be selfish and put her in danger anymore.

"You can keep saying that all you want," shouted Lily. "But it doesn't mean anything. So go on get out! Or do you want me to leave, I wouldn't want to deprive you and your tart of our house."

"There is nobody else," said James. He couldn't let her think that there was someone else, he could never be with anyone else. "Of course I don't want you to leave."

"Well I want you to leave!" cried Lily, throwing her wedding rings at him. "Get out! Fuck off!"

"I'm so sorry," said James grabbing the bag and leaving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

James didn't go back to his house until nearly two months later, he had managed to keep an eye on Lily, without her knowing of course. He had used the invisibility cloak to follow her home from work, just to make sure she was safe. She seemed to be doing alright, she wasn't wearing her wedding rings anymore, and other than some dark circles under her eyes, he couldn't see anything different about her.

He had followed her home from work again, but this time was different. There were reports of deatheaters in the area, killing muggles and muggleborns. He had to follow her inside this time, he couldn't risk letting her go into a house that might have deatheaters waiting for her.

Lily went inside, James managed to slide in a after her. She threw her bag into the cupboard under the stairs, and kicked her shoes off. She dredged up the stairs and went into the bathroom, James stood outside listening for any sign that something wasn't right. When she came out the bathroom James knew without a doubt that nothing was alright, Lily had obviously taken charms off her face, she had huge black circles under her eyes, she hadn't slept properly since he had left, she had lost weight and just looked drained of life. His gorgeous wife was heartbroken and it was all his fault.

Lily still hadn't noticed that James was there under his invisibility cloak, she used to be able to tell when he was using it. Lily walked into their bedroom, pulled the covers up and climbed into James' side of the bed, but she didn't fall asleep even though she looked completely exhausted. To James' horror she started to cry. His guilt was threatening to crush him now, he had done this to her, she was trying to be brave but he had broken her. Suddenly she looked up, straight at where he was standing. She sat up and wiped her eyes.

"Who's there?" she said.

James held his breath and stayed as still as possible. If she found he was there, she would kick him out and he couldn't protect her if he couldn't get near here.

"Look if you're deatheater here to kill me, you might as well get it over with," she sighed looking round the room. "Because I can't remember where I put my wand."

"You can't _remember_ where you put your wand?" exclaimed James forgetting that she couldn't know he was there.

"Yes," she sighed getting to her feet and pulling the bedroom door open. "I think it's downstairs….or maybe I left it at work."

"_You left your wand at work!_"

"I don't know I think so," she said, not bothering to think that it was odd that she was arguing with thin air.

"And another thing I could be a deatheater or anyone, you don't even seem to care," James shouted following her down the stairs.

"Maybe you are a deatheater, maybe I should kill you in self defense."

"I'm not a deatheater," said James pulling off his cloak.

"I don't know I've heard deatheaters can be quite handy with a polyjuice potion," snapped Lily.

"Would a deatheater know about the birth mark on the sole on your left foot?"

"If they had the right informant."

"I can't believe you just said that! You think I'm an informant…a traitor?"

"What are you doing here?" said Lily suddenly remembering that they weren't supposed to be arguing anymore.

"You didn't answer my question!"

"I don't have to answer your questions anymore," shouted Lily. "You have no right to ask me any questions! Get out!"

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"There are reports of deatheaters in the area, I'm not leaving you here alone," said James feeling his temper rise, he knew he had no right to be angry with Lily after what he had been putting her though but why couldn't she see that all he wanted to do was protect her.

"You certainly didn't care about leaving me alone when you walked out on me! You don't give a shit if they attack me or not, although you might get a big insurance settlement if I do snuff it…"

"Hey! All I've ever wanted was to protect you from this damn war and those people!"

"Sure you have!"

"Why the hell do you think I'm putting both of through this? To keep you alive," James shouted.

"What?"

"Why do you think I left you? You think I wanted to? You really think it made me happy to leave, that I didn't want to just to lie down and hold you until this war just goes away."

"What the hell are you talking about?" shouted Lily. She wouldn't even let herself feel hope that James still loved her. "Did you sneak in here to get the rest of your stuff?"

"What? Have you not been listening to a word I've said?"

"I listened but you're not making any sense," shouted Lily feeling the urge the throw something at his head, she started to look round for something.

"Oh no don't you even think about it," said James when he saw her eyes stray to plates on the sideboard.

"I wasn't thinking about anything," she protested.

"Liar," he said smiling at her, his eyes twinkling in amusement. His heart soared when she started to giggle at how ridiculous they were being, but it didn't last long.

"James what do you want?" she sighed sadly. "Why are you back here?"

"I wanted to make sure you are alright."

"I'm fine," she said.

"You don't even have your wand, you didn't turn the alarm on. You're not alright."

"I'll turn the alarm on then," she said then she closed her eyes and summoned her wand. It came flying out of the cupboard under the stairs. "See it was in the cupboard."

"You should have your wand with you at all times!"

"I will."

"You were crying," said James.

"I'm fine."

"I'm not, I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Hurt me? That's amusing, my husband leaves me without any warning or explanation and he's sorry he hurt me."

"I am sorry," he said. "I just want you to be safe."

"Safe? Safe? You want me to be safe! How the hell is you leaving making me safe?"

"You're less of a target," said James quietly.

"Less of a target? Less of a bloody target?" raged Lily. "How am I less of a fucking target?"

"They were starting to target the families of Aurors!" James blurted out.

"Oh…right so I assume you've severed all contact with Sirius, Remus and Peter then because we both know they are more your family than I ever was."

"It's not the same they're…"

"They're what? Blokes?"

"No…they're not you…they're not my wife."

"Lucky them."

"You don't mean that," sighed James.

"Don't I?"

"We weren't a mistake," he said heatedly. "Don't talk as if you regret it."

"I do regret it," she snapped. "I wish I had never married you and I wish you had never asked me to."

"You don't really mean that," said James quietly. "Please you can't mean that."

"I've been through hell because of you," said Lily looking him dead in the eye.

"I know you have," he said taking her hand in his. "I know what I've done is unforgivable, but there has never been anyone else and there never will be."

"Whatever."

"Whatever? I pour my heart out to you and you say 'whatever'?"

"What the hell do you want me to say James," Lily screamed at him. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to tell me you still love me," he said desperately.

"Of course I do," she snapped. "It doesn't disappear overnight!"

"I'll never stop loving you," said James sincerely. "Never."

"You will," she said sadly. "We both will."

"Not me," said James cupping her face in his hands. "The only reason I'm staying away is to protect you…because you can't die, you just can't. If the only way I can keep you safe is to abandon you then I'll do it."

"We'll have to file for divorce," said Lily pulling out of his reach. He said he still loved her but he wasn't coming back, he was going to keep 'protecting' her.

"Do we have to?" asked James. He didn't want to declare their marriage as legally over, for his wife to be single, to start dating. He just wanted to hide her away from the world until it was safe.

"I do," said Lily. "If I have to move on then I have to do it right."

"If that is what you want," said James closing his eyes in a child like way of pretending it wasn't happening. "I won't make it difficult."

"Thank you," said Lily. "I'm going to bed now, you can leave…"

"I'm not leaving until the deatheaters are gone," said James heatedly.

"Fine you can stay, down here though," said Lily. "Just make sure you're gone when I get up."

"I just need to protect you because if you get hurt or worse…I just couldn't…life wouldn't be worth living," said James as he ran his fingers through his hair. She had to understand that he didn't want to be apart from her, he wasn't happy. But he loved her too much to put her in harms way.

"And I don't know how to exist in a world at war without my husband," said Lily not turning back round to face him.

"I love you so much, I have never stopped loving you."

"Hmmmm…I just wish I could feel loved, I just feel alone."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah so you've said."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Three months later, Lily was sitting across a table from James. They were in a boardroom just off the wizard courts, to sign their divorce papers. Neither of them wanting to sign them.

"Mr. Potter if you would just sign here," said the lawyer.

"Here?" asked James.

"Yes."

Lily could only sit and watch as James scrawled his name on the papers and she hated herself. She knew the last thing he wanted to do was sign those divorce papers and yet here she was making him sign them. She knew he loved her, that was his biggest problem if only he loved her less, then he would be around.

James still followed her, she could feel him even when he was under his cloak. He followed her home from work, whenever there was an attack close by he was there, protecting her. She never spoke to him, not even when she missed him so much.

"Mrs. Potter," said the lawyer pulling Lily out of her thoughts. "If you just sign here."

"Okay," said Lily not being able to meet James' eye. She picked up the pen and looked down at the papers. "What happens if I don't sign the papers, if I refuse?"

"Uh…then Mr. Potter will have to file for a mandatory divorce and you won't have a say in the matter," said the lawyer.

"Then that is what he's going to have to do," said Lily getting up and walking out of the room.

"Lily! Lily, wait!" James called as he chased after her.

"James, leave me alone," she called over her shoulder.

"No," he said grabbing her arm and pulling her into an empty office. "No I can't leave you alone."

"Isn't this too much of a risk? You can't be seen with me or be near me, can you? Isn't that why we're even here because you can't risk being seen talking to your own wife?"

"Well I can't take it anymore, I just want to see you…"

"You see me all the time," she snapped. "You really think I don't know when you're there?"

"I might see you all the time, but I don't get to talk to you," said James sadly. He reached out and stroked her cheek. "You have no idea how much I miss you."

"Don't I?" she snapped bitterly. "You think you're the only one suffering, that I don't miss you."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You have said that word so many times it has lost all meaning."

"You wouldn't sign the divorce papers," said James.

"And you did."

"Thank you," said James. "Thank you for not signing them…I don't think I could get through this war without that at least."

"Without what?"

"Knowing that you're still my wife," he said sadly. "At the very least you can't get married again until you divorce me."

"Get married again," laughed Lily. "That's amusing."

"I hate seeing you like this, you seem so…bitter and unhappy."

"I am unhappy James," said Lily bluntly. "And you're being damn noble."

"I love you so much sweetheart," said James pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Doesn't mean anything," Lily lied.

"Just tell me please," James begged. "I know you hate me but please just tell me…"

Lily looked up into his eyes and she couldn't lie to him, he looked so sad. "I love you, and I could never hate you no matter how much I have tried. Of course I still love you."

"Don't slap me," James murmured.

"Wha…"

Lily was cut off by James kissing her. "We…can't," Lily groaned as he started to kiss her neck.

"We can." Growled James as he pinned her against the nearest wall.

--

Six weeks later Lily was sitting in her office at work looking at a file on her desk. Test results, but not just another patient's test results. They were her test results, her period was three weeks late. And she was terrified.

On one hand, it would be James' baby and if she was ever going to have children there was nobody else she would want to be their father. But it would also be a reminder of James and what she didn't have anymore. But a baby being a reminder of James could also be a good thing she would have a little piece of him. Wouldn't bringing a baby into a war be selfish though?

"Come on, get a grip," Lily muttered to herself. "Just read it."

POSITIVE


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"You have got to be kidding me," Sirius roared at Lily.

"Yeah this is how I get my laughs," said Lily flatly.

"You have to tell James!"

"No I don't and keep your voice down this is a hospital," Lily hissed.

"You were attacked, you have to tell him. Do you know how worried he is about you?"

"Of course I know," snapped Lily. "Anyway it wasn't a bad attack, a few cuts and bruises. I'm fine and if James knew…look he thinks he's protecting me and if he knew they were attacking me anyway then all of this would have been for nothing and I don't want to do that to him."

"You're both as thick as each other, you know that right?"

"Noted. I don't see why you're here anyway I didn't ask to see an Auror."

"Generally when the wife of an Auror is attacked we are informed, you're lucky you got me and not Prongs."

"Yeah I'm real lucky," said Lily rolling her eyes as she pulled on her jacket. "And like I said it's only a few cuts and bruises…"

"Yeah I know that's just because you hex like you did at school…almost felt sorry for the poor bastards."

"It's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last, just leave it!" Lily ordered.

"Hold on, how many times have you been attacked?"

"I've lost count."

"How many since Prongs left?"

"Five," said Lily. "I mean it Sirius don't you dare say a word to him."

"He's my best mate."

"And I'm the victim of a deatheater attack, you have to keep all information confidential," smirked Lily.

"Damn I knew we shouldn't have let you help us study for the Auror theory test," muttered Sirius. "Fine, you know I can't tell him."

"It's better that he doesn't know," said Lily softly. "You don't know what it will do to him, he thinks he's protecting me."

"You know what I think," said Sirius. "But you're alright?"

"I'm fine," said Lily touched by how concerned he was about her, even though he had just been shouting at her.

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay, call me if you need anything."

"I will."

"Okay if you're being discharged I need a copy of you're chart for my report," said Sirius.

"No, you can't. Don't file a report," said Lily panicking. Sirius didn't know she was pregnant but if he got his hands on her chart he would know.

"I have to," Sirius sighed. "James won't find it, I promise."

"It's not that it's…you just can't have my chart."

"Why? What's on it?" asked Sirius snatching the chart before Lily could. He quickly scanned it. "This better be a joke."

"I wish," Lily laughed bitterly. "Fate has a sick sense of humor, I'm pregnant."

"Who is the father? You're only 9 weeks gone," Sirius demanded. "After everything…James is tearing himself apart over you and…"

"James!" Lily shouted. "He's the father, but cheers for all but calling me a slag!"

"I never said that!"

"You implied it," she snapped.

"What are you going to do?" asked Sirius seriously. "Are you keeping it? Are you going to tell James…you can't keep his kid from him."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," said Lily honestly. "And I would love to talk to James about it but he's the invisible man that follows me but if I even so much as try to acknowledge he is there he holds his breath. So don't even think about giving me a lecture about this, I'm going to make this decision on my own because James made his on his own without asking me."

"If you told him you were pregnant he would be there, you know he would. He would never abandon his own flesh and blood…"

"Just his wife," snapped Lily. "You have the chart, file your damn report. I'm going home."

* * *

"I know you're there James," Lily said sadly that night as she opened the back door and said on the steps looking out at the stars. "There is no' one else around, can't you please say something."

Silence.

"Please James I really need to talk to you, just say something please," she said as tears ran down her cheeks.

Silence.

"Right thanks," she muttered. Then suddenly she felt his round his shoulder and he pulled her into him. Instinctively she burrowed her head into shoulder. Then she looked up, he was still wearing the invisibility cloak. "I'm hugging air."

Still silence.

"You can't say I didn't try," she said. "Stop following me, it doesn't prevent a damn thing."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"I told you to stop following me," sighed Lily.

She had decided to take a walk to clear her head, she was nearing the twelve week mark of her pregnancy and she still hadn't decided what she was going to do. She had felt James follow her and he couldn't follow her while she made this decision because if he guessed it would complicate things even more and she didn't think she could stand the hurt look in his eyes when he realised she wasn't going to tell him about the baby.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she snapped. "Say something!"

James stayed silent.

"I have had enough of this crap," said Lily. She knew it was risky but she had to get away from James, she had to clear her head and she couldn't do it with him around. So she apparated before he could track her.

* * *

"Where is she?" James demanded.

He had been contacted by the Ministry, Lily had been attacked that afternoon and was unconscious. After Lily had apparated away from him, he had been unable to find her. So when he got the owl he had immediately gone to St. Mungo's using the invisibility cloak obviously just in case any deatheater were watching over her. He had found Sirius posted outside Lily's room.

"You have to be kidding me, take the damn cloak off!" Sirius hissed at him.

"I can't if they are watching…"

"You're off your rocker, you know that right?" said Sirius. "Do you know how much damage you're doing?"

"Of course I do," snapped James. "I know what I'm doing but I'm not about to let those people kill Lily just because she's my wife!"

"And you're doing a stand up job of that."

"Is she okay?"

"No."

"What happened?"

"She was attacked by three of them, she put up one hell of a fight but she knocked unconscious. The healers said there is no permanent damage and she should wake up soon," said Sirius careful to avoid mentioning that Lily was pregnant. He had promised he wouldn't tell James and Lily could still throw a decent hex at him even though he was a trained Auror now the petite redhead still scared the shit out of him.

"She's okay?"

"She'll be fine in a few days," said Sirius curtly. "Just take that damn cloak off."

"I have to see her," said James. "Let me in?"

"Okay, just don't upset her," sighed Sirius.

James nodded and walked into Lily's room. She was lying on the bed, she looked so peaceful as if she was asleep. His beautiful wife had been attacked and he hadn't been able to do anything to protect her. It was stupid of him to think that Lily would let him follow her for long, she was stubborn and independent, he knew she wouldn't put it with. But he couldn't think of any other way to protect her and he had to protect her, because if anything happened to her he couldn't live in a world that didn't have her in it because Lily was his world. James took off his shoes and carefully climbed into the bed next to Lily, needing to hold her as close as possible just to reassure himself that she was okay, she was alive.

"I know you've been trying to protect me," Lily whispered as she slowly came round. "But the funny thing is I haven't felt this safe in months, since the last time I lay next to you before you left for that mission."

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," James whispered back.

"I don't need you to protect me," snapped Lily as she sat up in bed. She immediately felt a fluttering in her stomach, her baby was okay she knew he was safe. "I don't need anything from you. I can take care of myself."

"You don't know what these people are capable of," said James gently. He sat up next to her and rested his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't I?" she said. "I fight them off often enough."

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked James.

"You figure it out," she said jumping off the bed. "I have to get out of here."

"You need to be checked over."

"No I need you to leave! Even now you're still wearing that damn cloak, I'm arguing with thin air."

"I'm sorry."

"If you were sorry, you would take it off. If you were sorry you would have answered me when I tried to talk to you because I really needed you…" said Lily her eyes welling up with tears.

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't risk it," he said sadly. "What did you need to talk about?"

"Forget it," said Lily scathingly. "I sorted it out on my own."

"Lily please," said James. "I know this is hard but it's not just you."

"Don't even try to make me feel sorry for you," Lily shouted. "You decided it was this way! You left me! You made the decision without even telling me and I am so sick of falling apart over you, because what good will it do? This war has barely even begun, it's nowhere near over. We're either going to die fighting them or when we finally beat them we'll be so old we'll forget how we felt about each other anyway!"

"I could live to be 900 and never forget how I felt the first time I spotted in the Great Hall on the very first night at Hogwarts. I loved you even back then, except I was 11 years old and couldn't possibly know that…"

"No, no don't you dare do that!" Lily shouted at him. "Don't make some grand speech about how much you love me that makes me want to melt, because you are an asshole!"

"I know," said James hanging his head. "But I do love you and you have to know that, you do know that don't you?"

"Yes I know that," sighed Lily. "Just stop following me, it really doesn't do any good. All it does is freak me out and make me miserable."

"What do you mean it doesn't do any good?"

"Ask Sirius because I really don't want to get into it now," she sighed. "You can help him write his report."

"What does that mean?" asked James knowing there was something she wasn't telling him.

"It means I'm going home and I don't want an invisible husband around tonight," she said.

"You should get checked over," James argued.

"I'm a healer and I'll check myself over," she said. "Goodbye James." She kissed his cheek and left the room.

"I love you."

"Yeah I love you too," she said before disappearing down the hall and out of sight.

"Sirius what is going on with Lily?" James asked bluntly. "She wouldn't tell me."

"Then I can't tell you," said Sirius. "Sorry mate."

"She said I was to help you with your report," said James.

"She said that?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah," said James.

"Alright here is the chart," said Sirius handing James the papers. "She was attacked a few weeks ago so we should look into protective detail…"

"Hold it! When was she attacked?"

"A few weeks ago," said Sirius. "It's been happening a lot…I think this is the seventh attack…"

"Seventh?" James roared.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "You know I couldn't tell you."

"I know but…I've been watching her."

"Not all the time…Lily can take care of herself, I've been looking out for her too so has Remus and Peter," Sirius reassured her. "They'll be okay."

"Who is they?" asked James his frustration evident in his voice.

"Lily and the baby."

"What baby?"

"Your baby."

"My baby!"

"Yeah didn't Lily tell you, she's pregnant?" asked Sirius oblivious.

"She's pregnant?"

"Yes. Merlin you're dense."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"This is ridiculous," Lily muttered. She hadn't been able to sleep so she had gone downstairs to get a glass of water, she had opened the backdoor and found James sitting there. Surprisingly he wasn't wearing his invisibility cloak, he was just sitting on the step hunched over, his head in his hands. "What are you doing here?"

"You're pregnant," he said as if he was still having trouble letting it sink in.

"Yes and I also said I didn't want an invisible husband around tonight."

"I'm not invisible," said James. "And I didn't expect to see you tonight."

"I couldn't sleep," said Lily. "Do you want to come in?"

"I thought you didn't want me around tonight," said James. "I don't want to force my company on you."

"It's fine," sighed Lily. "I should have probably told you myself."

"Yeah you should have," said James flatly.

"Are you okay?" asked Lily. "Because you seem not okay."

"I'm not okay," said James.

"Look I don't want you to worry about the baby, everything is fine, it's healthy. I don't want or expect anything from you, I know what you think you're doing for me and it's fine. I'm going to have this baby and it's just something I have to do for me, it doesn't have to affect you in any way…"

"It's my baby."

"I know but you have enough going on…"

"I always wanted kids, you said you weren't ready."

"I wasn't, I'm still not ready but…I'm pregnant, it's happening and this could be my last chance…"

"You're only 20, I don't think this is your last chance to be a mother."

"I know," said Lily not being able to look at him. "But it's my only chance to have your baby."

"Don't say that," said James sadly. "We'll be together again after…"

"After nothing. I'm not going to wait around for you to decide it is safe. I want to be happy and live my life, even with this war going on."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I might not be there when you come to your senses and see that you're not protecting me from anything, you're just making us both miserable and I'm not going to let you do the same to my baby."

"Our baby, both of us did this," said James. "How far along are you?"

"Almost twelve weeks," said Lily. "The day we were supposed to get divorced."

"Right," said James, he should have known that, it had been the first time they had made love in months.

"James what are you thinking?" asked Lily curiously. "I can't read you right now. Are you happy? Angry? Do you feel anything?"

"I wish I was happy."

"Look I already told you I don't expect anything from you…I just thought I should tell you before you worked it out," said Lily. She hadn't expected James to be anything but happy, he always used to talk about wanting a big family. She couldn't help but worry that her wonderful, loving, caring husband was slowly slipping away.

"No I don't mean it like that, I just wish…we're finally having a baby and I can't…I wish I could pick you up, tell you how much I love you and shout it from the rooftops that you're having my baby. But I'm afraid that if I try to do that you'll push me away because I've put you through so much and I hate myself because I have to do this again and I…I don't think I can tell you."

"What is it?" asked Lily with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Things weren't going to get any better she could feel it.

"Moody is…he's sending me on a mission for a while, thinks I need to buck up my ideas," said James struggling with every word.

"You're going away again?"

"Yeah," said James taking her hand in his. "But Sirius, Remus and Peter are going to look out for you."

"Tell them not to bother," Lily hissed. "I'll be fine, we'll both be fine."

"Lily don't be like this," he begged. "I'm sorry if I could stay I would."

"Sure you would."

"It took every last ounce of my strength to leave you," said James sincerely. "I don't have enough to leave you and the baby, Moody took it out of my hands."

"Remind me to send him a basket of mini muffins then."

"I don't half love you, you know," laughed James.

"When did our lives become so serious and…hard?"

"I don't know, it doesn't seem right does it? We're only 20 we should be out getting pissed and having fun," said James.

"Yeah we should," Lily agreed. "Getting pissed isn't an option for me anymore."

"No it's not," said James. "You need to look after yourself, eat properly and rest. If work gets too stressful just pack in it, walk out. You know my vault at Gringotts, you have full access to it so money is not a problem for you and the baby."

"I don't want your money."

"I know it doesn't even begin to make things right but it can't hurt."

"How long will you be away for?" asked Lily.

"A year, at least probably two."

"Two years," Lily laughed out of shock.

"Yeah I'm sorry," said James tears started to well up in his eyes, he knew what he was doing to her but he was powerless to stop it, what was worse was that he would miss the birth of their child and their first year.

"Sorry? I hate that word, that's all you ever seem to say to me," sobbed Lily.

"I know," said James hauling Lily into his arms. "I love you and I hate this too. But please just look after yourself…would you be entirely against protective custody?"

"Yes," said Lily simply as she cuddled into him.

"This wasn't supposed to happened us, not us," said James as he clung on tight.

"When do you leave?"

"In the morning," said James.

"You should go back to Sirius' and get some sleep then," said Lily as she struggled to get out of James' grasp.

"I don't want to go yet."

"Well I need to get some sleep," said Lily. "Have a nice life James."

"I'll be back."

"If someone told me a year ago that you would leave me to raise our baby on my own, that you would leave your own flesh and blood before they were even born, I would have laughed because it just sounds so absurd," said Lily. "But here we are."

"Tell them their Daddy loves them," said James.

"I'll tell them because you won't be around to tell them and by the time you get back they'll be a year and a half old and you'll be a stranger."

"I'll never be able to make this up to you, will I?"

"No you won't," said Lily sadly. "Our marriage is over, no going back."

James quickly wiped the tears that were fast falling from his eyes, what he was doing was unforgivable he knew that, now his wife wasn't his anymore.

"I'll be okay," Lily reassured him. "I'll be a good mother and our baby will be fine, I promise."

"I know you will," said James he leaned in and kissed her cheek briefly allowing his hand to sweep over her stomach. "I'll never stop loving you."

"Me neither," said Lily. "Good luck."

"You too," said James. "Goodnight."

"Goodbye James."

* * *

**I know this is quite a sad depressing chapter (in fact it's quite a depressing story) but I actually have the ending planned now, i think there will be 2 more chapters. So it looks like I'm actually going to finish this story, hopefully i can find some inspiration to finish one of my many other LJ fics too.**

**Anyway Review and I will have the next chapter up as soon I can**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"This is ridiculous," Lily muttered.

James had been gone for a week now, and like he had said Sirius, Remus and Peter had been dropping in on her to make sure she was alright. Sirius had been especially good to her, he had even cooked for her when she told him she was too tired, which was completely out of character for him. Nobody had any information about James except that he had arrived safely and so far hadn't been reported dead.

It was barely sunrise and Lily was sitting on the cold bathroom floor, she had been throwing up for the past half hour and she couldn't be sure that it was over. This was her life now, she sat alone on the bathroom floor from 5am throwing up and talking to the baby. Without James. She did everything without James now. She knew she would miss him, but she didn't expect the fresh heartache of knowing he wasn't even following her anymore and then there was the fear that consumed her every single day, not only was she going through her pregnancy alone she would have the raise their child by herself. And James could be killed any moment. It was going to be a long two years.

"I wish you could know your father," said Lily miserably, as she rubbed her slightly swollen stomach. "I just hope one day you will meet him, that he will come back from this mission. Under any other circumstances he would have loved you more than anything in the world. Under any other circumstances he wouldn't have wanted to miss a single moment of your life, let alone a year and a half of it. Under any other circumstances he would be sitting here with me and he would have made the greatest Dad in the world."

James stood on the other side of the bathroom door, listening to every single word. She thought he was gone, she didn't know that he was still the man she fell in love with, deep down he hadn't changed. He had abandoned his mission, he packed it in and told them he was going home. The thought of going that deep undercover for so long, never knowing when his child was born, never knowing if his wife was safe. He would have came home to nothing; Lily would never have forgiven him and he would have never forgiven himself and his own child wouldn't know who he was.

He could hear Lily sobbing on the other side of the door. He had done this, he was the reason his wife was so miserable. And he had no idea how to make it right. But he couldn't just stand there and listen to her crying anymore. He gently knocked on the bathroom door.

"Lily don't panic, it's only me," he said softly knowing she would be startled. He was supposed to be away and it was the middle of the night.

"P-Prove it," she stuttered as she looked around for something to defend herself with.

"My animagus form is a stag," said James. That was their security question because only Remus, Sirius, Peter and Lily knew that.

"What are you doing back?" sighed Lily as she slumped back down onto the floor.

"I'm coming in, okay?" James shouted.

He took her silence as permission, he opened the door, he took one look at Lily slumped next to the bath, her face tearstained, dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn't slept in a week and the overwhelming misery in her eyes. He couldn't take it anymore, seeing what he had done to both of them, he dissolved into tears right next to her.

"James come on," said Lily half an hour later. "You must be exhausted."

He just nodded his head and allowed Lily to lead him by the hand into their bedroom.

"You can stay here tonight," she said. "Well this morning really."

"Thanks," he said as he sat down to take off his shoes. "How are you feeling?"

"Nausea has passed," she said. "Morning sickness is such a pain."

"I'll bet."

"Why are you back?" Lily asked.

James lifted his head out of his hands and looked over at her. "Couldn't do it. I just couldn't."

"Oh," said Lily.

"Will you stay with me?" asked James. "Nothing funny I promise."

"Are you kidding? I've been up half the night, I need some sleep as much as you do," laughed Lily.

"I missed you," James confessed as Lily turned off the light. Almost immediately James felt her curl in close to him, he wrapped his arm round her waist letting his hand rest on her stomach where their baby was growing.

"Yeah I miss you too," she said quietly.

"I'm here now," said James noticing that she had used the present tense.

"For how long?"

"For good," he promised. "I'll be here for the baby and for you, if you'll let me. I want to be a proper Dad, I don't want to miss anything."

"And I'll never stop you, you know that."

"Thank you," said James. She never mentioned anything about them, just the baby. Their marriage really was over, he had ended as soon as he had walked out on her. And for what? He hadn't even been protecting her, they attacked her anyway because no matter how much he tried he couldn't hide how he felt about her, he never could.

* * *

Later that morning Lily woke up, she turned and couldn't help but smile a little when she saw James lying asleep next to her. Even after everything, this still felt right. Before she could lie back down and enjoy being in James' arms, the baby let her know it was hungry by making her stomach rumble loudly. She sighed and sat up but before she could climb out of the bed James tightened his hold on her and pulled her back down next to him.

"Not yet," he mumbled sleepily into her hair. "Just a few minutes."

"I was just going to make breakfast," she said reaching up behind her and rubbing his cheek. "You must be starving, I know I am."

"Okay," he relented. He loosened his grip on her allowing her to get up.

"You wanna jump in the shower while I cook breakfast?" she said. "You left some of your stuff here, it's still in the wardrobe."

"Yeah," he said sitting up. "Thanks for you letting me stay here."

"Technically it's your house."

"You know what I mean."

"It's no problem, we were both in pretty bad shape."

"I'm sorry I left you all alone," said James sincerely, he rubbed her cheek as if wiping invisible tears away. "I'm sorry for everything, you have no idea…"

"It's fine," said Lily looking away. If she looked right at him, she would melt if she looked into those warm sincere eyes…

"It's not."

"You never did anything to intentionally hurt me, I know that. You were protecting me in your own way and I understand. You don't have to feel guilty we're fine, all three of us."

"I'm not fine," said James. "I'm lost."

"You'll be okay," said Lily. "Trust me I know you. You'll find your way again…this war is affecting everyone and your job exposes you to more of it than normal."

"You think?"

"I know," said Lily. "Is bacon alright for breakfast?"

"Yeah it's fine," said James distractedly.

* * *

James was leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen watching Lily, she was wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt. Looking closely he could see the start of a baby bump as she worked round the kitchen. For the first time in months James finally felt alive, when he just stopped being so afraid he could see what he had lost; the only woman he had ever loved, his wife, his best friend, his soul mate and the mother of his unborn child.

"Do you hate me?" he asked suddenly.

"No I don't hate you," said Lily not missing a beat. She knew he was there, she always knew when he used to watch her when she cooked.

"Are you sure?"

"There have been times when I hated what you were doing, but actually hating _you_, no I have never hated you and I don't hate you now," she said turning to face him. "Do you hate me?"

"Why would I ever hate you? You haven't done anything wrong and you're carrying my baby."

"I don't know I just thought I should return the question," said Lily.

"When you love someone as much I love you, there is no way you could ever hate them no matter what they do," said James.

"Yeah that has always been your problem," said Lily her tone changing immediately, now she sounded bitter and pissed.

"What is?" asked James bewildered as to what he had done to piss her off now.

"You ask me if I hate you, then you tell me that it isn't possible to hate someone when you love them as much as you apparently love me."

"There is no apparently about it."

"You never quite believed that I loved you as much as you love me, have you?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous," said Lily calmly. "I could never hate you, no matter what you do I can't hate you. But you still believe I'm just trying you out until I get bored, after all this time…"

"That's not true," said James cupping her face.

"It is," said Lily weakly. "Why can't you just trust that I love you and that you didn't have to leave to protect me? I would have face anything those bastards could have thrown at me as long as at the end of the day I could come home and be with you."

"You're too good for me, you always have been," said James. "I've never been able to believe that you chose me, you could have anyone…"

"But I always wanted you."

"Past tense?" asked James. "I came back, and I always will come back."

"I don't know if it's past tense," said Lily tearfully. "I don't know if I trust you the way I used to, that one day you won't get scared again and leave us. What if the baby is old enough to know that Daddy isn't around anymore?"

"I would never do that."

"I wish I could believe that, I really do," said Lily resting her forehead against his.

"I'm not afraid anymore," he said. "I was stupid I know that. I want you back, please."

"It doesn't work that way," said Lily. "You can't just leave and walk back when you feel like it. I'm sorry."

"Tell me there is a chance, if I work hard enough for long enough that there is a chance for us again one day."

"James don't make this any harder…"

"Tell me there is a chance, I don't care if it is a second before my last breath just tell me I have a chance."

"James…"

"Please," he begged.

"Of course you do," she said burying her head in his shoulder. "I just can't…but I still…"

"Hey shhh, it's okay," said James pulling his arms around. "I didn't mean to upset you. Come on, calm down this isn't good for you."

"Sorry I just…hormones?" said Lily once she had stopped crying.

"Gotta love those hormones," smiled James. "I'll just go back to Sirius'. Can I drop by later, just to make sure you're okay?"

"Yeah."

"Bye," said James kissing her cheek.

"Bye."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Lily was now almost five months pregnant, James had been back for six weeks and was still staying with Sirius. Lily had gotten used to the fact that James was around again, he came to her check ups, he dropped by to make sure she was alright most nights. He was doing what he had promised, he was giving her space and showing her that he was there for her.

It was nearly 3am when Lily felt it the first time, it was slight, tiny in fact but it was there. The baby's first kick. As soon as she was sure that was what it was Lily sat up in bed and immediately turned to tell James. But he wasn't there. She had momentarily forgotten that James wasn't asleep next to her. In fact it had been almost a year since they had been normal, since they had slept together side by side every night. In that moment Lily had never missed James more. So she got to her feet slipped on a pair of flip flops and her sweats. She wanted to tell James right now, even if that meant going out and finding him.

She apparated to Sirius' flat and quickly found his hide a key and let herself in. She crept into what she knew was the spare room, where James was sleeping. He was lying in bed snoring slightly, at first she had found it annoying but now it was soothing to her and she had missed it. She knelt down so that they were face to face, she didn't have the heart to wake him now, he looked exhausted. She stroked his cheek and moved some stray hair out of his face. She kissed his forehead and got back up.

"Hmmm…Lily, Lily," James mumbled as he slowly started to wake. "Lily…"

"Shhhh go back to sleep," said Lily softly. "I'll see you in the morning."

"No," he groaned as he sat up rubbing his eyes. "Come here," he said patting next to his on the bed.

"You should go back to sleep, everything is fine."

"If everything was fine you wouldn't be here in the middle of the night," said James taking Lily's hand as she sat down in front of him.

"I didn't mean to worry you, honestly nothing is wrong," said Lily.

"Are you feeling nauseas again?" he asked.

"No I feel fine," said Lily.

"Why aren't you sleeping then?" he smiled. If there was anything really wrong she would have told him by now, as long as everything was alright he could just enjoy spending time with his wife.

"Something happened and I just wanted to tell you, then I remembered that you live here now so…I couldn't see myself going back to sleep until I told you so…here I am."

"Alright," said James his hand brushing her bump. "So what happened?"

"The baby kicked," she whispered into his ear. "I felt something earlier today but it was definitely a kick…it's really there."

"Wow," said James moving his arm round his bump as if he was trying to coax the baby to kick again so that he could feel it.

"I think it has stopped now," said Lily a little disappointed that James couldn't feel it too. "I just wanted to tell you that it happened."

"Thank you," said James. "It really is happening, we're having a baby."

"We are," said Lily suddenly feeling very emotional.

None of this felt right, it hadn't felt right all along. Her first instinct had been to turn to James, that felt right but not having him even in the same house didn't feel right. She couldn't help but wonder if she was punishing him for hurting her, because she was missing him as much as she ever was but she was still keeping him away. She placed her hand over his on her stomach, brushing her fingers over his wedding ring, he had started wearing it again, she wasn't wearing hers something both of them had noticed.

"It feels weird," Lily confessed.

"What does?" James asked as he smoothed her hair.

"You living here…it feels weird coming to Sirius' to tell you that the baby kicked," said Lily glad that the room was still dark and she couldn't see James.

"Don't worry about it, I won't be here much longer. I was looking at flats today and I think I found one."

"Really?" asked Lily. That wasn't what she wanted, James having his own flat made things way too official for her.

"Yeah it's close by so I won't be too far away and it has too big bedrooms so the baby has their own room when they stay over when they're older," said James.

"Right," said Lily who suddenly had trouble breathing. "I've told you now so I'm just going to go now, bye."

"Lily wait," James tried but Lily all but ran from his room.

He sat back on his bed and wondered what he had said to make her run from him like that, then he heard something fall in the hallway, immediately fearing the worst he ran into the hall and found Lily standing over a broken vase in tears.

"Hey it's okay, don't cry. That vase is goblin ugly anyway," said James steering Lily back into his room, he sat her back on his bed. "Come on please stop crying."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I didn't even realise…" Lily gasped in between sobs. "Merlin it feels like all I do now is crying."

"You're pregnant, you're bound to be emotional and stuff," said James putting his arm round her to comfort her.

"You're scaring me, you know," she sniffed.

"Me? I'm scaring you?" asked James bewildered, he quickly took his hands off her. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to…how am I scaring you?"

"You're talking about…the baby's room and…oh…you're going to make me sign…"

"Sign? Lily what are you talking about?"

"Divorce papers…and new girlfriends and…"

"You're not making any sense," said James, he crouched in front of her forcing her to look at him. "Take a deep breath and just tell me what you're afraid of."

"Do you want me to sign those divorce papers I wouldn't sign before? Because if you do I will…I promise I won't chicken out this time and…"

"Divorce? You think I want a divorce from you?" James almost laughed it was so absurd but somehow he knew that wouldn't help matters. "Look at me."

"No," said Lily like a defiant child.

"Look at me," he said sternly. She slowly took her eyes off the floor and looked at him.

"A divorce is the last thing I want, and you wouldn't be able to find those papers I set them on fire," said James looking her with a small smile tugging on his lips. "So you have nothing to worry about, you're not going to get rid of me that easily."

"B-But you're getting a flat, talking about the baby having it's own room when it's older and…and…"

"And what?" said James. "We're having a baby, in a few months we have to get practical. I screwed up with you, and I know that so I can't screw this up. So yeah I'm renting a flat and making sure the baby has their own space with me…"

"I'm insane, aren't I?"

"You sure are," James chuckled.

"I'm sorry," she said. "My hormones just seem to be out of control right now, one minute I'm laughing the next I'm crying."

"It's fine," said James he lifted her wedding ring finger and kissed it. "You know all you have to do is say the word and I'll…I'll put your rings right back where they belong. Getting my own place is not a sign that I'm moving on, far from it, okay? I love you and I'll never give up on you."

"Thank you," said Lily. "I am really sorry for my little breakdown…I wonder when I got so insecure."

"I think I had a little something to do with that," said James kissing her head. "Will you stay? I'll only worry if you go home now."

"Okay," said Lily lying down, suddenly she was feeling very tired.

"Now is the time I should offer to sleep on the couch," said James. "But I don't want to."

"I don't mind," said Lily as James climbed into the bed next to her.

"Good I hate that bloody couch," James mumbled as he pulled his arms around her. "I love you."

"Love you too," said Lily allowing herself to drift off to sleep.

"Love you too little one," said James rubbing her stomach.

"Do you think I'm punishing you for hurting me?" Lily asked as it suddenly popped back into her head.

"No," said James. "I think you're taking to heal, and you deserve it take all the time you need. I'll be here when you're ready…I just hope you don't move on to the point where you love someone else…"

"I don't think I'm capable of falling in love with another man, you've ruined me."

"Good," said James. "Now forget about this punishing crap and get some rest."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Lily and James were having breakfast in Diagon Alley. They had started to meet for either for breakfast or lunch every day. James still hadn't moved out of Sirius' flat, Lily had been right getting his own flat would make their separation far too official for his liking.

"James you have a little something…" Lily giggled pointing to the huge dollop of butter on his chin.

"What? Where?" he asked as he dabbed round his mouth, completely missing the butter.

"Here," said Lily taking her napkin and gently wiping his face. "You're such a big kid, sometimes."

"Thanks," said James. "How was your morning sickness today?"

"I didn't have any."

"That's good," said James. "We have the six month check up next Tuesday, don't we?"

"Yeah, at four," said Lily, she wasn't really listening to him she was just watching him and how comfortable they were together, as if things hadn't really changed. They were just talking about stuff and then they would go their separate ways again. Is this how it would be when the baby came? If she wasn't still in love with James, she would think that their relationship was ideal to raise a child together, yet separately.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Fine."

"The baby has stopped kicking at night?"

"No, he still kicks but not all night," said Lily.

"He?"

"Just a feeling I have," Lily shrugged.

"A boy? I'd love a boy…actually I'd love a girl too."

"As long as they are healthy?"

"Yeah as long as they are healthy and cute too?"

"Look at us," Lily laughed pointing between the two of them. "Like it could be anything other than gorgeous."

"That is true," James laughed. "When do you have to go to work?"

"I still have a while," said Lily seriously. She didn't want to leave James right away because she knew she wouldn't get to see him until the next day, something that was fast becoming more of a struggled for her to deal with. "When do you need to leave?"

"Uh…now," said James. "Sorry I have to deal with some paperwork…I can stay though if you need me to."

"No it's fine," said Lily surprising even herself but how alright she actually sounded. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Same place, same time?"

"Yeah," she nodded.

"Bye," said James getting.up, he looked tempted to lean down and kiss her but he saw that she wasn't even looking at him, she was looking straight ahead, so he thought better of it.

"Bye," said Lily quietly.

She sat at the table trying to fight tears that were spilling down her face, being pregnant really was affecting her hormones. She was prone to tears at the least little thing, especially when she thought about James. She had no idea how to just tell him to come home, and that she missed him. James knowing Lily well enough to know when she wasn't alright, he only took a few steps before he turned back. As soon as he saw she was crying, he bent down to be at face level with her.

"Why are you crying?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

"N-No," she sniffed. "I'm sorry…it-it's my hormones I-I seem to j-just be crying for everything. I cried for an hour last night because I couldn't open a jar of jam."

"Why didn't you call me?" asked James stroking her hair. "I would have opened it for you, you didn't have to get upset."

"It was 4am and you were at Sirius' and I didn't want to wake you," Lily sighed. She had managed to stop herself from crying.

"I told you before, you can wake me anytime. Anything you need, it doesn't matter what it is or what time it is," said James stroking her cheek to wipe away all the tears. "I'm here okay?"

"But you're not though," said Lily. "You're not there when I can't sleep or when I can't open a jar or when the baby does something new…like hiccups it got hiccups inside me a few days ago and there was nobody to tell. I have to wait until breakfast to see you."

"I told you to call me, floo me anything and I'll be there."

"I miss you," she confessed.

"I miss you too," said James.

"The baby needs you around too," said Lily. "I want you to come home."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I could set up the guest room and…"

"No! No! No!," said Lily banging her hands on the table. "I want you to come back home. I want my husband, I really just want things to be back to normal but…they aren't ever going to be normal are they?"

"I don't know if things will ever be as they were," sighed James. "But I love you, you know I love you and I'll keep waiting for you to be ready."

"I am ready," said Lily. "I love you and…I just love you and I miss you."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay," James repeated. "I'll come over after work and we can talk, okay?"

"Okay," said Lily.

"No more getting upset," said James. "I love you."

"Love you too."


End file.
